March 26, 2004
Jesus' life has been pretty darn hectic lately. As I'm sure you know a movie based around his gruesome death has recently topped box office charts, making him very much the center of attention. Luckily, things have started to slow down, and he was kind enough to grant us this interview. He talks about the "Passion" DVD, Mel Gibson, a possible sequel, and the general headaches of being the son of God.
Fuzzy Blowfish Entertainment: So Jesus! Looking great with a new do.
Jesus Christ: Yeah, I cut off the beard and allot of the hair. I was thumbing through some Abercrombie and Fitch catalogs, and I noticed that not to many guys are going for that strong, scraggily look anymore. So I figured whatever. You know? I've had the same haircut for what seems like forever, and you gotta? get with the times eventually. Might as well be now, right?
FBE: Yeah, I know what you mean. Anywho, it's been pretty busy on you lately. Now I know you?ve been asked every question possible about your movie "The Passion of the Christ," so I won't touch there too much. But what about the DVD? Any super special savior features going to be added? How involved are you with that?
JC: Very involved, actually. And yes, the DVD will be loaded with extra features. I just got back a few days ago from recording the commentary track with Mel. It was lots of fun; we even had a chance to get ol' dad in on the track. Definitely something to look forward to for all you film buffs out there.
FBE: Wait, your dad? I thought I read somewhere that God and Jesus were one and the same being. What?s up with that?
JC: Oh, heh. Well, that kinda depends on the way you look at it? the standpoint you take. Do you understand? It?s kinda like on Earth I?m here, and there I?m him, but? that all depends on what religion you are, sorta. Well, that matters too. If you know what I mean. Its almost kinda like if you are, then you were, but not all the time. Get it? So yes. My answer is yes.
FBE: But we didn?t ask you a yes or no question.
JC: My answer is yes.
FBE: But-
JC: Would you like to be smitten? Because I can make that happen. So yes. My answer is yes. Understood? That?s the answer. If you know what?s good for you, you shall accept mine word.
FBE: Okay? its just that-
JC: Yes. I already told you.
At this point in the interview, Jesus pulls the end of what looks to be a lightning bolt out of his left sleeve.
FBE: Oh, yeah. I totally understand you. So. Umm? rumor has it that a sequel is already in the works for your film.
JC: Well, duh. You don?t have box office numbers like that and not come out with a sequel!
FBE: Yeah, but I just thought the main goal of the film was for-
JC: This time around my character is going to find a time machine. Now the script is finished, but its still uncertain if I?ll be going to space, or just the future. It really depends.
FBE: On what?
JC: On where Satan is at the time, idiot. The movie isn?t called ?2 Christ 2 Furious: The Second Coming? for no reason! It?s all about vengeance this time. This time, I?m not taking crap from anyone. Everyone pays this time. Oh, and this time, its personal.
FBE: Umm, sounds good.
JC: Yeah, Mel Gibson is busy with something else, though, so Ron Howard is set up to direct. Mel?s just producing this time.
FBE: Who wrote the screenplay for the second film?
JC: I dunno. The same guy that wrote Torque, I think. Should be cool.
FBE: Right. Well, it?s been a pleasure talking with you. Maybe we?ll talk again after your next movie comes out.
JC: Oh, we'll be talking before that. HAHAHAHAHAHA
At this point, Jesus went on laughing for about twenty minutes. I didn?t get it.
What a weirdo.
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