March 05, 2004
Fall 2087
Public Education System 2.0
?Public education has come a long ways since the beginning of our fine country. Slowly, through additions such as standardized testing, standardized dress, and mandatory assigned seating, public education has been in a constant state of improvement. However, the time has come to raise the standards once again. With the parents continued support, we can practically raise your children for you. Your duty to teach your own son or daughter anything, thanks to public schooling, will soon be completely obsolete!?
At exactly 7:02 am, the education process begins. The automated school doors slam shut, and are internally locked. An officer of the law will visit any student not inside the school at that time. If the student is not sick or dying, it will be escorted to a correctional facility where it will be taught basic values and discipline. Two weeks at the facility is minimum, but the students? stay can be extended, if needs be. These correctional facilities are conveniently located in branches of your local federal prison ? thanks to the astounding ?yes? vote on the ?Education Expansion? bill of last year.
Back at school, students silently move in to the gathering room, or ?the Gather? for short. Each student is allotted a two-foot by two-foot area in which to stand in for morning counts, inspections, and feeding. The square has the student?s nineteen-digit ID number conveniently printed on it, as to eliminate any confusion of where the student should put itself. For the next three hours, students are required to stand at attention while the education inspectors walk about the Gather and make certain all students are in their correct square, properly dressed, eyes wide open, silent, and ready to learn. Any obstructions of these expectations will be immediately dealt with by use of corporal punishment 2.0*. After the inspection is complete breakfast pills will be administered. Students are required to open their mouths while their breakfast pills are placed in their mouths by the school?s cafeteria staff**. When every mouth is filled, students then have the privilege of chewing their pill. Any obstruction of the unison chewing (this includes -- but is not limited to ?- an initial refusal of the pill, a dropped pill, or a pill ingested before chewing is authorized) will be punished with corporal punishment 2.0*. After food time is completed, students then march in to their separate classrooms as determined by age, sex, and height.
Throughout the remainder of the day students are taught by the country?s leading educators! Each class starts out with a half hour follow-up inspection, once again looking for proper dress, posture, and learning readiness. Afterwards, students silently sit down in their assigned learning areas.
Education commences. Usually the teacher will get through part of the introduction to the topic, before he or she finds something that needs to be corrected amongst the students. Perhaps a dropped writing utensil, distracting body movements, an un-tucked shirt, or a smile is perpetrated. The educator then takes the student in to the ?values chamber,? a small soundproof room located in the back of every classroom, and gives valuable one-on-one advice about morals and ethics that the student will need in its everyday life. Additionally, 98% of the time after the standard M&E speech, the educator will administer Corporal punishment 2.0* -- personally.
Students repeat this basic classroom process throughout the day, learning the basics of English and Arithmetic***. After twenty-eight years in the P.E.S. 2.0 system, students are then considered ready for college! Hopefully in the next few years, colleges will also adopt the P.E.S 2.0 style of education. Here?s to the future!
We look forward to meeting your son/daughter this fall, and feel confident that we can offer it the best education possible. In addition ? thanks to the recent raise of educational taxes ? school can continue to be free! ****
*Corporal punishment 2.0 consists of stringing the student upside down by its ears, and being profusely beaten with a baseball bat. The bat may or may not (depending on the degree of the offense) be protruding with nails.
** ?Cafeteria? is a relative term.
*** Unfortunately, due to the extreme nature of the P.E.S 2.0 system, all other courses (including Art, Social Studies, and all electives) have been cut from the curriculum.
**** Free is a relative term. A $9,850 deposit is required.
Oh, and since we know you wont read any of this stuff, please fill out and sign the following.
Students name __________________
Your name _____________________
(Check one)
___ I give permission for the school to administer corporal punishment 2.0
___ I really give permission for the school to administer corporal punishment 2.0
Your signature _____________________________
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