October 21, 2003
Lithium
A Very Important Sociological Experience
By Adam Glasgow
Now, as we begin our adventures in to the depths of the universal wormhole which is Lithium, I must first lay down some ground rules. (1) No bathroom breaks. I sat at my computer (an act in which I rarely do) for a long time to write this masterful piece of work. If I can’t get up, neither can you. (2) There will be no smoking within fifty feet of this paper. It doesn’t want lung cancer and stinky poo-breath. (3) If this paper is used as a coaster for your coffee mug, or a roller coaster for that matter, I will be very disappointed. In the case of coffee mug hold-age I will be forced to tow your car at the owner’s expense.
Time to move on.
Bears are angry creatures, growling and clawing as they deem fit. Just thought I’d let you know.
As for lithium; to tell you the truth, I really don’t know much about it. Word on the street is that it’s an element, and can be found on the periodic table of the elements. Maybe if I tried some different text styles. Lithium. Lithium. Lithium. Lithium. Oh ya. That’s pretty cool.
Wouldn’t that be a pain in the neck for you if I wrote this paper in a different language? You may decide it would be worth your time to go to dictionary.com and translate it, only to discover that it was full of useless junk and jokes about microwaves.
Micro-ondes dr?le!
Atomic number is three. Group is one. Period is two. It’s an Alkali metal. Symbol is Li. In Italy it’s Litio, and in Croatian it’s Litij. Witness my research!
It’s used in batteries, ceramics, glass, lubricants, alloy hardeners, pharmaceuticals, hydrogenating agents, heat transfer liquids, rocket propellants, vitamin A synthesis, nuclear reactor coolant, underwater buoyancy devices and the production of tritium.
Other than that, most of the information I found used extremely large words such as experience, and scientific. I do not like to write about things I do not understand. It makes me feel as though I am cheating.
Flapjacks scream the mayor’s hamster at noon.
I was told by a certain unnamed source that if I searched Lithium and insane asylums that I would be blessed with many interesting things to write about. I must have searched at the wrong place, or pissed someone off, or something, because all I got was what to say to get out of an insane asylum. I’m prepared now, I suppose. It is bound to happen sooner or later.
Did I tell you about the time I swallowed a needle? I have X-Rays. It’s cool. Maybe I’ll bring them up sometime. That is chemistry, after all.
Wow, I’m on my second page. That’s going to look really good to turn in. Maybe you’ll just take a look at it and go, “Wow, he really worked hard on this. He deserves a good grade.” Maybe you’ll even read this after the grades go in. That would be awesome. Then you would know, but it would be too late. Victory would be mine, but I’m sure vengeance would be yours. You’re all about the vengeance. I can see it in your eyes.
Near its melting point, lithium ignites in air. Lithium posses a dangerous fire and explosion risk when exposed to water, acids or oxidizing agents. That’s kind of cool. Explodin’ elements.
Ever listen to The Shins? There great.
I suppose if I really want to get away with this, I should at least change that crazy text on the first page. It’s bound to catch your eye, and then you’ll be like “This paper looks crazy! I’m going to read it!” After that, my genius ploy is ruined.
I shall change nothing. I don’t expect to get a good grade. To expect is to be disappointed. That goes for everything, not just phony lab-make up papers.
This, however, is a make up paper for a lab in which I was going to chew gum and then weigh it. Maybe you’ll be a little lenient. Still, I expect nothing.
Lithium, yeah. I think that’s what this paper is about. I should check, I wrote it down somewhere. I think it’s in my backpack in the other room. Ya. Right.
I really need to find some motivation for life. That way I’ll try harder on things like, oh, you know. Stuff like, let’s say, Chemistry make up papers. Here I go… attempts failed. Abort brain. Failure imminent. (insert beeping red light)
I better quit before I come to a third page. I’m sure you’re tired of this. I hope it at least has been an entertaining experience. I think I’m going to go eat a banana or something. Maybe sprinkle it with some non-explosive Lithium. I hear that stuff’s delicious.
Oh, or some flapjacks. Yum.
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